So this morning I woke up thinking about Chicago style chicken recipes again. Heard about this Himmel schnitzel thing from NBC Chicago’s segment. “How hard could it be?” I mumbled to myself while digging through my freezer for chicken breasts.
The Misery Starts with Packaging
First battle? Opening that damn vacuum-sealed chicken pack. Stabbed the plastic wrap with scissors and juice squirted everywhere. Patting those slippery breasts dry with paper towels felt like wrestling eels.
Whacking Chicken Like a Caveman
Slapped one breast between plastic sheets. Grabbed my heaviest skillet – sorry, “meat tenderizer” sounds too fancy. Wham! Wham! Wham! Pieces flew everywhere like chicken shrapnel. Ended up with one mangled cutlet and one still fat as my thumb. Good start.
Breading Station Chaos:
- Flour everywhere when I plopped the first piece in
- Egg wash looked like alien goo dripping all over
- Breadcrumbs stuck to my fingers more than to the chicken
- Forgot to season anything until halfway through. Too late.
Oil Splatter Armageddon
Poured vegetable oil in the pan. Waited for it to shimmer like they say. Tossed in a breadcrumb – it sunk like a rock. Got impatient and threw in the ugly cutlet anyway. Oil started popping like fireworks. Used my lid as a shield, still got hit by three burning dots.
Burnt lemon juice smell? Bad. Forgot to move the pan off heat before squeezing citrus. The smoke alarm screamed. Waved a towel at it like an idiot. Cats bolted under the sofa.
The “Plate” of Shame
Finally plated it: Blotchy golden-brown pieces next to burnt lemon wedges. Tasted… fine? Crunch was okay but way too salty in spots where seasoning globbed together. “Authentic” my foot – but honestly? Kids ate it with ketchup. Husband asked if frozen pizza was backup plan.
Survival tips:
- Make double breading – you WILL mess up measurements
- Use tongs AND long fork. Your hands will thank you.
- Put newspaper around stove like you’re painting walls
- Have frozen peas ready when experiments fail
So that’s how my kitchen looked like a flour bomb exploded while producing semi-edible schnitzel. Frozen peas saved my life today.
